Wrapping up

2013 has been a humbling year. Lots of learning opportunities, character building lessons, and also tests of faith. Some friendships were mended, some were abandoned. But all in all, eyes were opened.

I started to see what certain people were doing. I started to observe the behavioural tendencies of others. Some I called brothers, let me down completely with the total lack of respect for the bro code. Others, supposedly hypocrites, proved their worth and support. Through the past 12 months, I've realised how great a difference a positive crowd can be as compared to constantly angry and cynical individuals. Emotional energy does spread to the people closest to you.

The amount of musical exposure this year was fantastic. I think I've played more trumpet and learnt more stuff this year than the past two years combined. In the musical arena, there were a couple of firsts as well. Great memories to have, and mostly awesome people to work with.

But without bad experiences, you will never appreciate the good times. Finally got out of a 3 year relationship. Quite a huge sigh of relief, and yet an excruciating longing for a familiarity. But seeing the things she has done, and is currently doing, I just feel sad for her. The choice of company she picks, the choice of flings. Which leads us back to the bro code. Disappointing.

2013 saw the increase in personal confidence as well. Especially through writing, thus the two new blogs. Expressing ones thoughts through words and poems set a definite grounding to my emotions and thoughts. Especially when my works gain affirmation and encouragement from others.

To my friends, I'm glad you stayed by me when I almost gave up. I'm glad that you guided me back to the right path, instead of the downward spiral I was on. I'm glad that you brought light and hope into me so that I could learn to live again. I'm glad that through you, i found me, and a little more strength to carry on living.

To end this post, as well as the year, I leave you a little something to ponder upon.

"Through looking at your choice of friends do you truly see who you are."

Merry Christmas, and may 2014 be a fruitful year for you.

Inept

I can't keep up with the people around me. Everyone is moving so quickly, their actions a mere blur to my eyes. Their music flows through my ears, yet the harmonies and rhythms remain an enigma to me. I continue to kid myself into being someone I'm not.

Peaceful

Feeling real at ease with myself now. A little time spent alone, working on a little project brought about by a little impulsion, a little frustration. Spending time at home with the family as well.

When we are out in the world rushing to get noticed, we forget to notice ourselves first. No one will notice an emotionally imbalanced person no matter how amazing and flamboyant he is.

Through working on my terrarium, I've realised that when the internal conditions are right, life will thrive. If the balance internally isn't optimal, you'll never be able to beautify your surroundings, and you'll just be a beautiful empty vessel, rotten inside, and taking up too much space.

Really pleased with my creation.

沮丧

想做的事虽然多,但一切的限制令我感到十分烦恼。力不从心大概是这样的感觉吧。想办到的,想拥有的,一切视乎简单,平凡,但一开始努力最求梦想时,多数人会希望你失败。真感到十分失望。写这些不是因为我对生命感到悲观,或是受到了怎样的委屈。而是要考虑未来的路该如何向前走。

Torn

A certain friend just advised me to mix around more. I do have my doubts about that. It is true that no man is an island, but to embrace anyone and everyone around is akin to social suicide. It could be me being paranoid, or having too many suspicions about the people around me, for I honestly believe that I am rather unliked by quite a few. Should I steer away from them, or should I place myself in their line of fire?

I no longer see a need of having many friends. Ten years ago, I was as a friend collector, not unlike what is happening on Facebook. How many people on your friend list do you actually know, and can be considered as friends? I have not spoken to half the people on my Facebook friends list in years. And half of the remaining few, I can't even recall their faces and voices without aid. I'd rather have a few close and valuable ones that really deserve the title as a friend. The Dunbar's number, recommends the number of real "friends" to be 150, the rest acquaintances, or familiar faces. Thinking hard on it, how many people do you know well enough to be called a friend? How many people know you well enough to call you a friend?

I could always revert back to my old self, and forget the pursue of my Shangri-La, entertaining the masses like a clown, sticking to slapstick comedy and nothing deeper. That does not work out kindly for me. I was that clown once, it backfired, and I have been that clown ever since. Not that I really mind the perception that people have of me now. I often try to be that clown around people, so no one sees the inner me. For the worthy few who are really interested in who I am, they will find the person beyond the façade.

All these entries lately are based on my own reflective thoughts, in an attempt to paint a true rendition of me, instead of all the different characters I try to be whilst around others. Thus the self portrait of this inept writer might not be true to life. The best solution would be to get to know the person beneath the mask.

On the other hand, the feeling of having an audience, even if it is just a single soul, is exhilarating. Call it self indulgence or whatever you will. The idea of having someone else take ten minutes of their life to look through this window into my soul, reading my deepest thoughts and emotions, though sometimes worded in a less direct way, draws a sense of fulfilment, especially if the readers return for more.

Torn between two desires, a balance has to be achieved. Maybe I'll do heed my friend's advice, and open up a little.

Architect

We are the architects of our life. We can have the greatest plans and blueprints, but without the right materials and craftsmen, the structure will never be completed. The construction is a never ending process, with the structure always changing, always improving. The craftsmen you employ determines the grandeur of your building.

My plans have been drawn, it has been drawn along with my first breath ever drawn. My craftsmen, masters in their art, work tirelessly to establish the construction that is me. How complete this work can be depends on who I invite into my life project. How successful and elaborate this project will turn out is my style responsibility as my architect and director.

For the artisans in my life, I extend my gratitude. Without you, I won't be the person I am today. Without you, I won't ever learn, nor will I ever improve. Without the guiding hands moulding and pushing, I will have nothing but delusions of grandeur. Without you, I will be nothing more than an empty husk, going through the motions.

At the end of the day, we are all architects of our lives, and craftsmen of others.

Number games

You never really graduate from high school. The characters you met then will always haunt you in a way or another. The situations you once faced will occur again and again. The fears and expectations will always be there, lurking in the shadows, awaiting the right moment to strike. High school is a rehearsal for the real world, but severely lacking instructions on how to deal with different scenarios that arises from the many variables.

The herd mentality is especially prominent, and carries over spectacularly to the workplace. Thoughts and actions are moulded according to what the pack wants. Individuals within and outside of the pack are then often pressurised into acknowledging and succumbing to the pack decision even though the individual was never part of the pack. Such a decision often send ripples through the network and cause further disruptions in the natural order of things.

But what is natural? From the first day we were gifted the privilege of free will, nothing is free. Every single action and decision is formed and undertaken because of an extrinsic motivation. Internal decisions that are supposedly solely dependant on the thoughts of an individual are also influenced by extrinsic factors. The "free choices" in life are the very force that controls and dictates.

The pack draws the lots in a fixed lottery, and provides backing to the individual not unlike how large corporations are backed by governments. To have even the slightest fighting chance, a backing of significant importance or size is paramount. As the saying goes, there is strength in numbers. And in the end, it has been a numbers game, and will always be a game of numbers.

Choices

Choices are always there for us to make, whether we want to or not. It is the illusion of a free will that was supposedly bestowed upon us. But how can anyone be sure that the choices they make is out of their own free will?

Many a times we think our choices and decisions are ours to make and affects only us alone. But everything is linked in a way or another. Even the slightest decision can move the largest mountain. Go look up chaos theory and butterfly effect.

My decisions affect my destiny, and also the lives of the people around me. With that in mind, I am often wary of the things I say and do. Why make 10 other people unhappy if that unhappiness can be eliminated if I stay silent?

I'm not sure if I did the right thing in being honest. Honesty is a virtue that could have serious implications when there's a clash of interest. But it's too late to change the situation right now. The initial conditions have been changed, and the results will only be known over time.

Occupied

Whilst waiting for my friend to arrive for dinner, I thought I'd post something. It has been another low phase for me recently. I've been packing my schedule, or rather, the organisation that I work for, had been really active recently. Top it up with opportunities that are suddenly open to me, I feel like I'm being stretched thin. That which does not kill you serves to make you stronger. I will survive and emerge a stronger man (metaphorically speaking).

Talking about opportunities, it's weird in a way that when I was living a closed life, I never had much being offered to me outside. Now that my mind and body is willing to work, opportunities start coming in one after another. It is as though the universe knows that I am ready to open my path into the future having been unshackled.

The future is unknown, but having a direction and goals to work towards will undoubtedly have a higher rate of success and fulfilment compared to being complacent and staying in the same spot while the sands of time flow freely.

Chapter closing

Just packed my desk, and threw out two huge bags of rubbish. And along with that, unresolved issues and hopes. I think it's a timely end to this chapter, although no end is really immediate. The lines of one end and the beginning of a new chapter is often blurred, similar to the coming and going of different seasons. How this phase will work out is a whole new mystery waiting to unravel itself.

The symbolic representation of throwing out of stuff is powerful. All at once, I feel so empowered, and efficient. I feel like being productive and creating. I feel like working in something that I believe and have faith in. I feel alive, and I feel I have a purpose. It's funny how people usually say that they have to find their purpose in life. But ironically, your purpose finds you instead.

Drown out the negative people, those who think that their way of life is the only way, and you'll see for yourself that life is not that bad afterall. Only by refusing to harbor negativity, positive energy can be attracted and stored within you. Whatever comes from it is solely dependant on you.

Reminiscence

Had a very long and honest chat with an old friend of about 10 years last night. A lot of things were revealed to me, most of them ugly, some heartwarming. The topic that came up again and again seems to be about change - how people change over time and why such things happen. How does a person flip around so utterly and completely and yet not be noticed until the transformation is complete? I am talking about changes that occur under our very noses that escapes completely undetected.

Some changes aren't all that surprising though. Still I feel disappointed by the choices they make and the way they decide to condemn others that aren't like them

Removing the rot

One of the many secrets to staying positive is to remove the negative people around you. I'm not only talking about those inherently pessimistic people, but also those who appear cheerful and confident, but at the same time complain and put others down when things don't go their way. It is a slippery slope, a fine dividing line between being an angsty friend and being a hypocrite.

But how to remove such rot when all of us are bounded by the same constraints? Everyday I check twitter and I see a plethora of angry comments and insults. I won't be surprised if some of them were directed at me, since it is human nature to idle talk about others. Nothing wrong with that if idle talk stays that way and not develop into hypocritical insults.

All of these are lessons disguised as hurdles, and I firmly believe in the good of Man. Although sometimes the negativity really escalates and get out of hand.

Another topic that really gets to me is association. How people judges others based on the people they surround themselves with. And usually (stereotypical assumption coming up) the popular crowd will have the largest influence on the views of others but not necessarily representing the most informed of biased-less views.  And so the outcasts can choose to conform to social pressures and succumb to the herd mentality, or band together with the other victims of such slander.

We allow ourselves the love we think we deserve

19th September 2013
Donnerstag

  Finished watching Perks of being a Wallflower. I guess this book really is written to touch and connect with audiences. To instil a sense of nostalgia, and to provoke memories. Honestly speaking, I could feel for the protagonist. Not his emotional scarring from childhood, but rather his process of finding himself and bringing out the good in others. 

  Something was mentioned that struck with a chord within me. 

“You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.” 

  It is awesome to help others and to place the well being of others before yours. It makes you happy, doesn't get you fat, and does not harm anybody. However there comes a time when we all have to be selfish and be proactive in procuring our own needs and wants. When you start living your life for others, you tend to fade out into the background and be taken for granted. I don't mean to sound cynical here, but humans are as such. Appreciation turns into expectations after a while. And before long, your life belongs to everyone else but yourself.

  You can never read another person's thoughts no matter how close the both of you are. Too often misunderstandings happen because people assume, or think that they have delivered the message clearly simply by dropping hints. If these subtle messages are picked up and interpreted the right way, things will proceed smoothly. But when messages are left out, or misinterpreted, often confusion will occur that leads to unnecessary, but inevitable anguish. Anyhow, being passive will probably bore your love, and passion, away and leave you an empty husk.

Settling in

17 September 2013
Dienstag

Wow! It has been quite a while since I last sat in front of the PC and typed away for a blog entry. More than three years to be exact. While the blogging craze has died down significantly, it feels rather "old school" to be out here setting up a new blog. Just fifteen minutes ago, I logged into my old blogger account with an old email account (I have changed two email accounts in the meantime) and surprised myself to find my blogs still intact and existing, albeit a little outdated. And having not blogged for such a long time, I feel rather awkward trying to write something here. It sort of feels like I'm trying too hard to impress, or to fit in with the celebrity bloggers. *shrugs* To each his own I must say. 

So the reason for the creation of this whole new blog instead of carrying on the old one I had years and years ago, is not to hide away my past. Instead it is to celebrate the present day, and my search for inner peace as well as to keep track of the many events in my life. I've been thinking a lot recently. That is something that I have not really been doing frequently ever since I entered the army. And this blog shall serve as a medium for me to record my words and thoughts. I shall attempt to notate down my feelings as best as I can and not sugar coat them.

Recently, quite a large portion of my thoughts are directed towards interpersonal relationships. One of the biggest realisation I had? That all the anger and pain I feel will pass. And that there is no point in holding on to the past if it does you no good. In short, I realised that if you keep holding on to negative energies, then there will not be any room for positiveness within you.

Well, I shall stop trying to act all philosophical now. If anyone has any comments, opinions or simply want to say hi and keep in contact, feel free to write me a comment or drop me a message. 

Cheers!