Wrapping up

2013 has been a humbling year. Lots of learning opportunities, character building lessons, and also tests of faith. Some friendships were mended, some were abandoned. But all in all, eyes were opened.

I started to see what certain people were doing. I started to observe the behavioural tendencies of others. Some I called brothers, let me down completely with the total lack of respect for the bro code. Others, supposedly hypocrites, proved their worth and support. Through the past 12 months, I've realised how great a difference a positive crowd can be as compared to constantly angry and cynical individuals. Emotional energy does spread to the people closest to you.

The amount of musical exposure this year was fantastic. I think I've played more trumpet and learnt more stuff this year than the past two years combined. In the musical arena, there were a couple of firsts as well. Great memories to have, and mostly awesome people to work with.

But without bad experiences, you will never appreciate the good times. Finally got out of a 3 year relationship. Quite a huge sigh of relief, and yet an excruciating longing for a familiarity. But seeing the things she has done, and is currently doing, I just feel sad for her. The choice of company she picks, the choice of flings. Which leads us back to the bro code. Disappointing.

2013 saw the increase in personal confidence as well. Especially through writing, thus the two new blogs. Expressing ones thoughts through words and poems set a definite grounding to my emotions and thoughts. Especially when my works gain affirmation and encouragement from others.

To my friends, I'm glad you stayed by me when I almost gave up. I'm glad that you guided me back to the right path, instead of the downward spiral I was on. I'm glad that you brought light and hope into me so that I could learn to live again. I'm glad that through you, i found me, and a little more strength to carry on living.

To end this post, as well as the year, I leave you a little something to ponder upon.

"Through looking at your choice of friends do you truly see who you are."

Merry Christmas, and may 2014 be a fruitful year for you.

Inept

I can't keep up with the people around me. Everyone is moving so quickly, their actions a mere blur to my eyes. Their music flows through my ears, yet the harmonies and rhythms remain an enigma to me. I continue to kid myself into being someone I'm not.

Peaceful

Feeling real at ease with myself now. A little time spent alone, working on a little project brought about by a little impulsion, a little frustration. Spending time at home with the family as well.

When we are out in the world rushing to get noticed, we forget to notice ourselves first. No one will notice an emotionally imbalanced person no matter how amazing and flamboyant he is.

Through working on my terrarium, I've realised that when the internal conditions are right, life will thrive. If the balance internally isn't optimal, you'll never be able to beautify your surroundings, and you'll just be a beautiful empty vessel, rotten inside, and taking up too much space.

Really pleased with my creation.

沮丧

想做的事虽然多,但一切的限制令我感到十分烦恼。力不从心大概是这样的感觉吧。想办到的,想拥有的,一切视乎简单,平凡,但一开始努力最求梦想时,多数人会希望你失败。真感到十分失望。写这些不是因为我对生命感到悲观,或是受到了怎样的委屈。而是要考虑未来的路该如何向前走。

Torn

A certain friend just advised me to mix around more. I do have my doubts about that. It is true that no man is an island, but to embrace anyone and everyone around is akin to social suicide. It could be me being paranoid, or having too many suspicions about the people around me, for I honestly believe that I am rather unliked by quite a few. Should I steer away from them, or should I place myself in their line of fire?

I no longer see a need of having many friends. Ten years ago, I was as a friend collector, not unlike what is happening on Facebook. How many people on your friend list do you actually know, and can be considered as friends? I have not spoken to half the people on my Facebook friends list in years. And half of the remaining few, I can't even recall their faces and voices without aid. I'd rather have a few close and valuable ones that really deserve the title as a friend. The Dunbar's number, recommends the number of real "friends" to be 150, the rest acquaintances, or familiar faces. Thinking hard on it, how many people do you know well enough to be called a friend? How many people know you well enough to call you a friend?

I could always revert back to my old self, and forget the pursue of my Shangri-La, entertaining the masses like a clown, sticking to slapstick comedy and nothing deeper. That does not work out kindly for me. I was that clown once, it backfired, and I have been that clown ever since. Not that I really mind the perception that people have of me now. I often try to be that clown around people, so no one sees the inner me. For the worthy few who are really interested in who I am, they will find the person beyond the façade.

All these entries lately are based on my own reflective thoughts, in an attempt to paint a true rendition of me, instead of all the different characters I try to be whilst around others. Thus the self portrait of this inept writer might not be true to life. The best solution would be to get to know the person beneath the mask.

On the other hand, the feeling of having an audience, even if it is just a single soul, is exhilarating. Call it self indulgence or whatever you will. The idea of having someone else take ten minutes of their life to look through this window into my soul, reading my deepest thoughts and emotions, though sometimes worded in a less direct way, draws a sense of fulfilment, especially if the readers return for more.

Torn between two desires, a balance has to be achieved. Maybe I'll do heed my friend's advice, and open up a little.

Architect

We are the architects of our life. We can have the greatest plans and blueprints, but without the right materials and craftsmen, the structure will never be completed. The construction is a never ending process, with the structure always changing, always improving. The craftsmen you employ determines the grandeur of your building.

My plans have been drawn, it has been drawn along with my first breath ever drawn. My craftsmen, masters in their art, work tirelessly to establish the construction that is me. How complete this work can be depends on who I invite into my life project. How successful and elaborate this project will turn out is my style responsibility as my architect and director.

For the artisans in my life, I extend my gratitude. Without you, I won't be the person I am today. Without you, I won't ever learn, nor will I ever improve. Without the guiding hands moulding and pushing, I will have nothing but delusions of grandeur. Without you, I will be nothing more than an empty husk, going through the motions.

At the end of the day, we are all architects of our lives, and craftsmen of others.

Number games

You never really graduate from high school. The characters you met then will always haunt you in a way or another. The situations you once faced will occur again and again. The fears and expectations will always be there, lurking in the shadows, awaiting the right moment to strike. High school is a rehearsal for the real world, but severely lacking instructions on how to deal with different scenarios that arises from the many variables.

The herd mentality is especially prominent, and carries over spectacularly to the workplace. Thoughts and actions are moulded according to what the pack wants. Individuals within and outside of the pack are then often pressurised into acknowledging and succumbing to the pack decision even though the individual was never part of the pack. Such a decision often send ripples through the network and cause further disruptions in the natural order of things.

But what is natural? From the first day we were gifted the privilege of free will, nothing is free. Every single action and decision is formed and undertaken because of an extrinsic motivation. Internal decisions that are supposedly solely dependant on the thoughts of an individual are also influenced by extrinsic factors. The "free choices" in life are the very force that controls and dictates.

The pack draws the lots in a fixed lottery, and provides backing to the individual not unlike how large corporations are backed by governments. To have even the slightest fighting chance, a backing of significant importance or size is paramount. As the saying goes, there is strength in numbers. And in the end, it has been a numbers game, and will always be a game of numbers.