Torn

A certain friend just advised me to mix around more. I do have my doubts about that. It is true that no man is an island, but to embrace anyone and everyone around is akin to social suicide. It could be me being paranoid, or having too many suspicions about the people around me, for I honestly believe that I am rather unliked by quite a few. Should I steer away from them, or should I place myself in their line of fire?

I no longer see a need of having many friends. Ten years ago, I was as a friend collector, not unlike what is happening on Facebook. How many people on your friend list do you actually know, and can be considered as friends? I have not spoken to half the people on my Facebook friends list in years. And half of the remaining few, I can't even recall their faces and voices without aid. I'd rather have a few close and valuable ones that really deserve the title as a friend. The Dunbar's number, recommends the number of real "friends" to be 150, the rest acquaintances, or familiar faces. Thinking hard on it, how many people do you know well enough to be called a friend? How many people know you well enough to call you a friend?

I could always revert back to my old self, and forget the pursue of my Shangri-La, entertaining the masses like a clown, sticking to slapstick comedy and nothing deeper. That does not work out kindly for me. I was that clown once, it backfired, and I have been that clown ever since. Not that I really mind the perception that people have of me now. I often try to be that clown around people, so no one sees the inner me. For the worthy few who are really interested in who I am, they will find the person beyond the façade.

All these entries lately are based on my own reflective thoughts, in an attempt to paint a true rendition of me, instead of all the different characters I try to be whilst around others. Thus the self portrait of this inept writer might not be true to life. The best solution would be to get to know the person beneath the mask.

On the other hand, the feeling of having an audience, even if it is just a single soul, is exhilarating. Call it self indulgence or whatever you will. The idea of having someone else take ten minutes of their life to look through this window into my soul, reading my deepest thoughts and emotions, though sometimes worded in a less direct way, draws a sense of fulfilment, especially if the readers return for more.

Torn between two desires, a balance has to be achieved. Maybe I'll do heed my friend's advice, and open up a little.